Monday, December 7, 2009

PACX Rockville Bridge (Marysville) Race/Beer Report

It snowed. It snowed at my bike race. We could end there, but this isn’t Twitter so I actually get more than 140 characters to talk about stuff.
I never set out to race a full cyclocross season, it just sort of happened. I promised Lauren the fall season would be low key and less busy than the full road/mtb season I subjected her/us to. Oops. Having said all of that I promised Rockville Bridge Cross would be my last race.
So the race... Emily and Greg came to visit again so I had a full heckling section. We arrived at the Marysville Lions Club (cool venue for a race) and my pit crew immediately got to work… on the beer (Captain Lawrence Pale Ale). There was room to hang out and ride the trainer inside the lions club so Craig Le Barrier and I got to putting embrocation on pretty much everything (even toes) and warming up.
I’m not going to make too many PRO excuses, but let’s just say things went bad from warm-ups.
Lauren ‘”Did you bring you’re ‘A’ game or your ‘B’ game?
Me: (pause) (grimace) ‘D’ Game at best.
This displeased my wife because she knew she was about to see me do an off the back time trial for an hour while she stood around in the snow.
Lauren: “Bullshit, Mike, we need at least a B-“
Boring race synopsis:

My start was the worst start I have ever had, most likely attributed to having both feet on the ground when the official said “GO” oops. Bad time to stretch my back I guess. The races started on the pavement and then turned into the off camber hillside section for the first bit. I immediately realized I had no cornering traction or brakes. Apparently Challenge Grifo 34’s suck in the snow. Zach Adams jovially cut me off and tried to put me into a tree. It was ok because I slid out after the log jump a minute later and maybe kind of sort of caused him to crash. Perfect.
Onward. I failed my first attempt at the treacherous “Run up of Sunshine and Rainbows” The thing was stupidly steep and full of PB&J type mud. The jelly was from the blood of the unicorns that were run over by the previous races.
Onward. Zach attacked me on the backside of the course and I put forth a decent effort to stay attached. It didn’t happen… I was off the back and would remain there until the relatively cold hour race ended. So that’s how it finished. We can now skip to all the good parts.
Highlight Reel:
Mike Hebe announced the race. Emily and Greg gave him plenty of ammo to heckle with My fave “Mike Festa must have been out too late singing Karaoke last night, good to see N’SYNC is alive an well” regarding Emily and Greg’s belief I look like JC from the retched boy band.

We look nothing alike.

My brakes and tires were useless. The rear Grifo actually went flat (slow leak) leaving me riding the rim the last lap.
Lauren and Emily were so confused I was in Dead Focking Last. Greg at one point told me I was riding as slow as he could.
Greg failed to give me a Captain Lawrence hand up on each of 6 laps.
I tried in vein to ride the run up. The call it a RUN up for a reason, its faster to run… but there was a BAG of GRANOLA on the line for the first person to ride it… and since I certainly wasn’t going to get any of the cash for the podium, I had to go for it. Besides who the hell wants to cheer for the dumbass in last who’s boringly running up the hill. By the 5th lap Mike Hebe had declared me the winner of the granola. I think he just felt bad for me.
I got a dollar bill preme, unfortunately my wife put it there so it was a net $0.
I crashed, going uphill, and Gunnar Bergey got a picture of it. Gunnar won the B Race. Good job dude.
I took a Miller Genuine Draft on the last lap after failing to ride the run up. It literally burned my lips worse than hot sauce. I announced “It burns so good” and got a few laughs.
I didn’t crash on the way home in the snow as no fewer then 3 people on the PA turnpike did.
I get an entire week off the bike!
It's been a fun cross season… see you next year.


Joey said...

You officially have a nickname on our team now. Thanks, JC.

P.S. You totally look like that boy band dude.

Mike said...